‘Devastating’ new benefits system pushes Inverness transgender woman to brink of suicide
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A TRANSGENDER woman with mental health problems stemming from stigma and sexual confusion fears she will end up homeless or dead if the UK government finds her fit for work and stops her benefits.
In one of the hardest hitting stories picked up by the Inverness Courier about the impact the benefits shake-up is having on people, 29-year-old Billie Gray, who has not worked since a mental breakdown four years ago, believes an upcoming review to re-assess her eligibility for sickness benefit will brand her well enough to go back to work and "push her over the edge".
"I’ve never had suicidal thoughts before but it feels like I’m losing the will to live," she said.
"I don’t trust the system. The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) don’t care about how they affect people’s lives. If you’re genuinely ill there should be some sort of compassion but they don’t care about that, especially if you’re mentally ill."
A spokeswoman for the DWP expressed concern for Billie’s wellbeing and has urged her to get in touch with them or her support worker so that she can get "all the help she needs".
The spokesman insisted the assessment was to make sure ensure that people get the level of support that they need, "rather than just writing them off on sickness benefits as happened in the past".
Hair falling out with stress
Billie, who suffers from post traumatic stress disorder, severe anxiety disorder, depression and an acute health anxiety disorder, wears a wig to cover bald patches caused by alopecia, believed to be stress-related.
She stays in supported accommodation in the city but hopes to secure her own tenancy and although hopeful that with extra support she can get well and return to a normal routine, she strongly believes going back to work right now is not an option.
"If I could work I would," she said.
"I’d give my right arm not to feel the way I do. But I can hardly go out of the house at the moment unless it’s over to my mother’s, I have to see my mother every day. A 10-minute walk will sometimes give me a panic attack – I’m holding my breath and people in the street are watching me and wondering what’s wrong with me."
Bedroom was "all pink"
Billie was born in Inverness as Billy, the eldest child and only son of Karen Taylor.
But despite being born with male genitals Billie has "always been a girl".
Growing up, her bedroom was "packed with "pink vanity sets and Barbie dolls".
"At first, my granny tried to stop it, but my mother didn’t want to force me to play with Action Men. She’d say ‘if that’s what he’s happy playing with just leave him."
As she approached maturity she began to wonder whether she may be homosexual because she was falling for boys. Her granny used to say she was somewhere "in between".
"She really came round, to the point that she would buy me make-up, and she would tell people "This is my grandson, he doesn’t know if he’s a boy or a girl yet but isn’t he beautiful". She was so proud of me.
Journey long and painful
But Billy’s journey to womanhood has been long and pitted with problems.
She has felt isolated and has struggled with depression and anxiety and has found herself a target for cruel comments including "sniggers from stupid women in the chemist".
Things took a turn for the worse when her mother "fell to bits" and turned to drink after Billie’s younger sister Courtney-Louise lost her battle with a genetic condition when she was eight, weeks after Billie’s 18th birthday.
And soon after, Billie lost her grandmother to breast cancer.
"She was my rock, she was my whole world and we lost her overnight," she said.
"I don't want much in life"
Billie started her transition to womanhood in 2010 with hormone implants. But she has yet to make up her mind about sexual realignment surgery.
She said: "All I want in life is to be mildly happy, to have my own place again and to have my cat Toby with me. It’s not like I’m wanting much out of life. I just want to be a little bit content and secure.
"But if my money gets cut and they force me back into work, how will I pay my rent? I’ll be homeless. I’m depressed as it is at the moment, I go to bed at night and think ‘what’s the point in waking up and feeling like this again?’
"I thought it would go away eventually but it’s been six or seven years like this now. I’m scared losing my benefits is going to be what really pushes me over the edge."
She added: "The thing I find really preposterous about this fitness for work interview is my hair’s falling out in clumps because of stress so how am I going to make a suitable employee for anyone?"
"Please get in touch with us"
A spokeswoman for the DWP said: "We would urge Ms Gray to get in touch with us or her support worker or social worker so that she can get all the help that she needs.
"Work Capability Assessments help ensure that people get the level of support that they need, rather than just writing them off on sickness benefits as happened in the past. Decisions for ESA are made following consideration of all the information provided by the claimant including supporting evidence from their GP or medical specialist."
Painful stories
Catherine Deveney, a multi-award-winning journalist, feature writer and novelist from the Black Isle, has written a book which deals with the subject of changing gender.
She said: "People think being transgender is about sex but it’s not. It’s about identity. It’s a subject that has become a kind of nudge, nudge joke to many people but the reality is that it causes intense sadness and turmoil to those at the heart of it and they have to be very brave. Other people reject them constantly and often, they reject themselves too.
"I discovered suicide attempts were very common in the transgender community and when I came to write my novel The Chrysalis that became part of the plot because of the many painful stories I had heard."
