Highland man is finally recognising himself again after transitioning: ‘If I get a bit overwhelmed, I look at my reflection and see me’
A trans man in the Highlands says he risked everything to transition – but he is finally recognising his childhood self again as a result.
The man, who wished to remain anonymous, came out as trans a few years ago after struggling with his mental health for years.
Although that realisation would go on to be an extremely positive change, it was shrouded in pain at the time as he was in hospital due to having suicidal thoughts.
It has not been completely plain-sailing since then either, losing some friends and family who objected to him.
However, he has no regrets whatsoever – in part because he hopes he is leading the way for his children to be their authentic selves.
“I kind of knew as a kid, but then I blocked it out,” he recalled.
“For me, it was very much a choice to live, and a choice to be trans. I could not see any more days alive if I didn’t do something to change my gender, so I quite suddenly changed everything.
“Over a period of years, I have built a much more stable identity, but that was a big decision – especially as a parent – to gamble everything.
“I was risking everything really, but I felt I had no choice because I felt like I was dying. There’s no doubt about that really. To have made those choices and to feel so much happier now, it’s unbelievable.
“It has taken an awful lot to get here. I have lost friends and family because of it – not an awful lot in the way of fallouts, more just people taking a step back, mostly the ones who are religious.
“I have lost quite a lot of people, but for me, having kids, it was really important that my children can be themselves.
“That was a motivating thing for me. How can I possibly teach them the importance of being themselves when I didn’t know who I was?
“People who have known me for a long time say they are recognising the me from before. I got a bit lost in the middle. They are seeing more confidence and calmness in me, and they are seeing that I’m more self-assured and clear in myself.”
In some ways, his life has come full circle. As a young child, he played with his cousins and was treated like a boy – even going as far as to refer to himself as growing up as ‘a little boy’.
That changed as he progressed through secondary school and into university, and societal pressures forced him to grow his hair out and act more feminine.
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Although it was an extreme set of circumstances that brought about his realisation that he is trans, the struggles he went through also helped things click into place, and he can look back on photographs of himself with an element of pride at seeing his true self in the mirror once again.
“I just assumed I was a boy until I was about nine or 10, that was my natural assumption and I was always treated like one,” he explained.
“Whenever I refer to my childhood, even before I came out as trans, I could never refer to myself as a little girl – it just didn’t feel right.
“I was about 10 or 11 when my mum told me I was going to secondary school soon so we needed to grow my hair out so that I looked more like everyone else. At the time I don’t think I really understood it, but I remember that realisation that something was changing, and I was having to be someone else.
“When I was suicidal, I spoke to a helpline and said that I didn’t want to kill myself because I didn’t want a woman’s body to be found and be buried looking like that.
“I didn’t really understand it, but I really didn’t want to be remembered as a woman. That was the first time someone told me to Google non-binary and transgender, which completely threw me.
“It hit me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes you can’t unsee something. Once it’s in your head, you can’t un-know it, and it was like that. It all just made so much sense.
“My profile picture on Facebook is me as a kid, and now is the first time that I look like the person that kid grew into.
“I never realised how disconcerting it was to not recognise my own reflection. I didn’t know who that person was. If I get a bit overwhelmed, or if I need grounding, I look at my reflection and see me. That’s the most important thing.
“I guess if someone is not trans, it’s really hard for them to understand. If you go to a fancy dress party and look in the mirror and don’t recognise yourself, that was how it was for me every day before I transitioned. Now, it definitely feels like me.”
Since coming out, he has struggled to find his place socially. There is still an awkwardness around people who knew him before transitioning, as he does not feel like he fits in with the women who used to be his friends, nor with the men in his community.
What has proven useful, though, is visibility and representation – even if that has to come from online spaces.
In particular, he took inspiration from a documentary called Disclosure on Netflix, which shines a spotlight on trans identities throughout the history of film and television.
“Seeing Disclosure was really powerful in seeing how invisible my community is – the general LGBTQ+ community but in particular trans people and trans men,” he said.
“I don’t particularly want to be visible, but I also want to see other people.
“It’s hard thinking that you’re the only one. I know a couple of trans people through online stuff, but it is hard for my kids as well. They completely accept who I am, but every now and then they get a reminder that other people think we’re quite different.
“A lot of trans people are really young too, so I feel quite separate from the community because I think I’m too old to be a part of it in some ways.
“There’s a loss in feeling like I’ve lived for such a long time in a body that didn’t feel right, but that has been much better since I’ve had surgery and been on hormones.”
Even having come so far on his own, such progress would not have been possible without the help of mental health services, both at a community and hospital level.
“I've not always felt understood but I have always been respected, which has been really important to me,” he added.
“I've had support from LGBT+ health counselling, Mikeysline, and LGBT+ switchboard over the years.
“I've often been the first trans person that a mental health professional has worked with, but that I have seen a real eagerness to understand me, and what it means to be trans.
“I have been lucky enough to be respected in my choices. Some professionals were understandably cautious about my decisions to transition medically and surgically however this was combined with the respect and even compassion, I would say.
“Transition alone didn't save me. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn't for years of really excellent mental health support.”
